


Why Do You Hate Me?

by Emachinescat



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Letter to Readers, Metafiction, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-23
Updated: 2011-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-14 11:27:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1264747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emachinescat/pseuds/Emachinescat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin is at a loss to explain why nearly everyone who writes fan-fiction about him wants to see him suffer and decides he's going to write a letter in protest to his outrageous treatment. "Dear Fan-Fiction Writers/Readers..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Do You Hate Me?

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own, for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> Enjoy :)

Dear Fan-Fiction Writers/Readers,

You  _really_  are a sick, demented group of people, aren't you?

No offense, of course – I'd never want to offend the people that have somehow been given the power to control my life. Not that you could make my life too much worse.

Don't get me wrong – most of you are very good writers. You use exciting verbs and descriptive adjectives and some of you even do research for your stories. Most of the time the story flows brilliantly and you only misspell a few words a chapter. It's good stuff. Impressive. I'll give you that.

But here's my question – what have I ever done to make you hate me? I know, I know, I've heard the lot of you – and I'm looking at you here, Emachinescat – insist that you actually  _love_ me. But if that is the case,  _why_  do you insist on doing terrible, unspeakable things to me?

Isn't it bad enough that I was chained up, stung by a Serket, poisoned, thrown against a wall (TWICE!), and knocked out in the show? I still have a scar on my back from that giant scorpion! But  _no_ , you positively insist on adding more wounds and bruises and rope burns and who knows what else to my collection.

You have shot me with arrows, stabbed me with swords and daggers, poisoned me, tied me up, chained me to walls, punched me, drugged me, kicked me, choked me, burned me, beheaded me, made all my friends turn on me, and that's just the beginning. You've turned me into a child, you've made me a woman, you've transformed me into animals, I've been turned into monsters, I've turned evil…

I'm not trying to complain – really, I'm not – but is a little compassion too much to ask? I've already got the weight of the kingdom on my shoulders as it is. It  _really_  doesn't help that you people are constantly trying to kill me and torture me beyond human endurance. Have I done something wrong? Do you want me to be more manly? Do you want me to be invincible, to kick butt, take names, and never,  _ever_  come to any harm? Are you trying to make me stronger, impervious to torture? Is this some kind of test? Do you want me to come out of it more powerful than ever?

Or do you people just have a sick, twisted desire to see me in pain? Do you relish my screams? Do you roll in my tears? Is it too much to ask to demand a little slack? Perhaps a slight vacation. A trip to the spa. ANYTHING.

Why can't someone write a fan-fiction where nothing bad happens to me? I don't get hit or made fun of or trampled or drowned or strung up or flayed or crushed or even get so much as a paper cut… Can't you make a story about how I find a cute puppy and take him home with me – _without_  the puppy turning savage and mauling me, only to have Arthur rush in, save the day, and panic over my prone body? What about one where I pick herbs for Gaius – and no one, not bloodthirsty bandits, not a wild, savage beast, not even a horde of screaming fan-girls attacks me? I'd even go for a story where I get to stay in bed all day – without being sick or injured or incapacitated in any form or fashion!

Do you think you could handle that? … I thought not.

One last time, I urge you – if you love me, show me mercy! Stop making terrible, unspeakable things happen to me! Let me have one day – one _minute_ , even – without getting pummeled or attacked or decapitated… and you READERS – stop reveling in my misery! It's just plain rude! Do you see me reveling in your pain when you stub your toe? Or when you pull a tooth? Or pluck that stubborn nose hair? (Okay, I have to say, I  _did_  quite enjoy that last one, but the point still remains.)

_With love and well wishes,_

_Hoping you'll stop trying to kill me brutally with every new chapter/story you read/write,_

_Your personal punching bag,_

**_Merlin_ **


End file.
